Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Noah: Proof that God is More Sadistic than a Serial Killer

When Adam and Eve ate the apple in the Garden of Eden, they didn't just get thrown out of paradise on their keisters for doing so, they also single highhandedly barred humanity from entering the gates of Heaven. Jesus, so the story goes, came to redeem humanity for its apple eating forebears and reopen the gates of Heaven so souls could be saved. But if this is the case, then the story of Noah and the Great Flood only proves how truly sadistic God really is.

Christian's protest abortion specifically because they believe that all life is sacred, and necessarily a gift from God. Every person ever born, therefore, is only born because it is God's will. Those who end up in hell, on the other hand, do so of their own free will, by choosing to disobey God. The story of Noah, however, proves otherwise.

Taken at face value, the story of Noah claims that everyone on the planet had simply chosen to disobey God, including the unborn (unless we are to assume that no one was pregnant at the time of the flood). Like Sodom and Gomorrah, then, the entire planet was deserving of God's righteous wrath of global waterboarding, including infants still in their mother's womb. (What Christian's never address, of course, is why is it okay for God to "murder infants in their mother's womb?")

But here's the theological problem with the story of Adam and Eve, Noah, and Christ: If the sin of Adam and Eve barred the gates of heaven until Christ reopened them through his death and resurrection, then everyone who had ever been born between the time of Adam and Christ - or at the time of the flood, anyone who was even just a fetus in their mother's womb (apparently God is okay with such "abortions," if he is performing them to kill the mother) - presumably ended up in hell or some other netherworld.

What kind of "gift of life" can God be giving people, then, if anyone who was born during this time - or who was even conceived, according to pro-life Christians - was barred from entering Heaven, and therefore presumably ended up in limbo or even hell? And for all eternity, no less, since the Bible clearly claims that there is no way to exit hell once a person winds up there. Alternatively, if all those people - the born and the unborn - who God decided to give the "gift of life" did not end up in hell, then they ended up in purgatory or limbo or some cold, dark, cramped waiting room that wasn't heaven.

And the fact that Jesus is said to have gone to Hades during the three days after his death but prior to his resurrection (in other words, before he had reopened the gates of heaven) suggests that, if Jesus was indeed God, then he must have gone there just to rub it in. And if that was the case, then all of those in Hades could only have responded to Jesus's arrival to their fiery abode with the same reaction that Jeff Spicoli had when Mr. Hand tore up his class schedule: "You dick!"


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